


How do I live (without you)

by DrunkSmoochum



Category: EastEnders (TV)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Canon divergence at some point, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-19
Updated: 2020-04-19
Packaged: 2021-03-01 16:55:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,985
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23740429
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DrunkSmoochum/pseuds/DrunkSmoochum
Summary: Canon compliant to what Callum was going through after finding out Ben got beaten up during pride 2019. At some point Canon gets diverged.
Relationships: Callum "Halfway" Highway/Ben Mitchell
Kudos: 45





	How do I live (without you)

_You ain't worth the hassle._

It was weird. He didn't care about Ben, not like that. They had one night in a park where they kissed and fumbled a little. It had meant nothing. Yet, Callum had replayed the words in his head that whole day and the days after that, a strange feeling coiling in his chest.

He went over to Stuart to yell at him. Callum hoped the strange thing he was feeling would dissappear once he had given his brother grieve about beating Ben up. Instead he felt even worse when his brother told him that it was all okay and now he didn't have to worry about his dad or Ben screwing up the wedding.

Perhaps Stuart was right. Now he could focus on Whit and the wedding, without having to worry about Ben spilling the beans.

So, that's what he was going to do.

#

Unfortunately for Callum, Walford is a very small place and Ben Mitchell seemed to show up everywhere Callum looked.

He would glance sometimes over to Ben. Which always ended in Callum feeling an ache when Ben didn't glance back.

So, Callum decided to work a bit more. The parlour was the only Ben Mitchell free place in the square after all.

He had never felt so alone.

#

Callum was on his way to the cafe for his lunch when he spotted Ben. The shorter man walked around with a scowl on his cut and bruised face. And Callum got that strange feeling again. All he wanted to do was reach out to Ben.

"Ben, you alright?"

Ben stopped in his tracks and turned around, replying to Callum with anger in his voice. "Well let me see. Phil Mitchell's my dad, sharing a house with a junkie prostitute and I've got a nephew walking around like he's lost the plot. what's not to love aye, Callum?"

"I meant your face, Ben." Callum said sighing as he watched Ben walk off again after his outburst.

He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. Telling himself that what ever was going on with Ben Mitchell wasn't his problem. However he couldn't help listening to the nagging voice in his head saying that maybe Stuart had something to do with it.

Skipping the Cafe, Callum walked over to Sonia's. He knocked on the door and as aspected Stuart opened, smiling at him.

"what can I do for ya bruv?"

#

So, he was wrong about Stuart, who had told him he hadn't touched Ben Mitchell since pride, which still left Callum with a sense of guilt.

He told Callum that Ben had most likely pissed of the wrong people.

Ben was good at pissing people off after all.

#

Of course Whitney wanted to use their own vows, and who was Callum to deny her that?

Only Callum wasn't sure where to start.

The rest of the wedding planning had been so easy, sure Whitney did most of the planning and all he had to do was say yes to everything, but that was fine. After all, what does Callum Highway know about planning a wedding?

Struggeling with his vows, Callum decided to go to the Vic. Perhaps Mick could give him some wisdom, or just get some ideas by having a drink.

In the end neither Mick or Mitch, who had walked in later, were great helps for Callum. He did had a laugh with them about the vows though, which made him feel more at ease.

Scribbling down on his piece of paper, Callum looked up as he heard Shirley say 'Ben'.

Everyone in the square was shocked to hear about what had happened to Phil. All Callum could think about though was Ben.

Ben who had seemed tired and done with people, who had always seemed to have new bruises on his face and who had ignored Callum for over two weeks, if not more.

"You're overthinking it Halfway, she's not expecting a love song is she?" Mick said as he walked passed Callum out of the pub.

Shaken out of his thoughts, all Callum could actually hear were the words 'love song'.

He wasn't sure what Mick had said, however, maybe he could get some inspiration from a love song.

#  
He thought about walking up to Ben.

Callum had just returned from Chris' memorial, the letters Vicky gave to him still gripped tightly in his hands.

Ben knew how it felt to lose someone you were in love with. So it would make sense for him to talk with Ben about it right?

But how do you walk up to a guy, a guy who you had one heated night with in a park, only to then ignore him for the most part of the last few weeks and ask about how he dealt with the death of his boyfriend?

You don't.

Instead, Callum watched Ben as he walked towards the Vic, before going back home himself.

#

Things had kicked off apparently between Ben and Jay. His boss being moodier than normal.

When Ben showed up looking for Jay, Callum took his chance to finally speak to Ben.

"So, how are ya?" Callum asked, unsure whether he should smile or not, playing with a pen between his fingers.

"Oh, so now it speaks huh?" Ben asked sarcastic, sounding agitated.

Callum looked down at the desk in defeat. He had already suspected a reaction like this. What he didn't expect was what came out of Ben's mouth next.

"Sorry." Ben said, sounding softer than he did before. "Just had a shitty few weeks."

Looking up at him, Callum nodded. "You want to talk about it?" he asked, suddenly feeling a bit nervous.

"I need to find Louise.. "

That wasn't a no, and that was all Callum needed to know.

"I'll come with ya." Callum said, already standing up and grabbing his jacket. When he saw the confused look on Ben's face he added "Two people searching is better than one. You can tell me about everything on the way yeah?"

#

Callum was shocked at first when Ben had told him about what had happend with Phil. Yet, a small part of him understood Ben and his actions.

They ended up laughing about how ridiculous their lives were.

#

For the first time in weeks Callum had felt less alone.

#

"She's a lucky girl."

Callum felt his heart skip a beat hearing Ben's words, signaling that this was his cue to leave.

Which he did, but not before reminding Ben once again he was getting married to Whitney.

He tells himself that he brings it up so he can remind Ben that he is still going to marry Whitney.

However, if Callum was being completely honest to himself, he'd knew he brings it up to remind himself.

#

Callum didn't see Ben anymore after that.

#

In the past few days Callum realised two things.

One, was that Ben was most likely avoiding him.

And two, was how much it had actually hurt Callum to not see or speak to Ben.

#

The night before the stag do, Ben walks into the Vic for a drink. He sits down next to Callum, giving him a short glance before ignoring him again completely.

Callum hates the sudden ache he feels. Yet he can't speak to Ben, not now, instead he had to listen to Mick and Mitch going on about the stag do. Which meant inadvertently, Ben had too.

He wished Ben would speak up, say anything, even if it is some snarky comment about it being his funeral. Yet he doesn't, instead he downs his drink and walks off to the gents.

Placing his drink down and standing up to follow Ben, Callum gets stopped by Mick.

"Oi, you wanted me to throw ya this stag do and now you ain't even listening to what I've got planned?"

Sighing, Callum sits down again, mentally kicking himself. Why couldn't he just say he needed to go to the loo, instead of answering Mick with "I told you Mick, I don't want any fuss. Just hanging out with me mates, having a drink."

Mick smiled at Callum. "I know I know." adding in a whisper "But are ya sure you don't want a stripper or summat?"

Shaking his head, Callum spotted the back of Ben's head as he walked out of the Vic. It took Callum everything to not follow him out of the door.

#

The stag do was terrible, sort of.

Mick had listened to what Callum had wanted, a quiet drink with mates. Well not that quiet, but the main point is that there wasn't a stripper.

However, Ben wasn't there either.

It wasn't that much of a surprise, he wasn't invited to the stag do after all, but Callum had hoped he would show up.

Crashing a stag do was exactly the sort of thing Ben Mitchell would do. So why didn't he crash Callum's?

The more Callum was thinking about it, the more upset he got and the more he started to drink

Anything to dull out the ache he felt, as he tried to listen to his friends talk about women and his future married life.

#

On his way home he walks past the Prince Albert. Hoping he would run into Ben there. Yet, even drunk Callum was too terrified to go inside.

Walking away from the club Callum gets called a slur by someone.

Intoxicated and agitated, he gets into a fight.

#

Callum had punched the guy, who then hit him back a few times, but he was able to fight him off.

When bystanders came around the man ran off.

And so did Callum.

#

Afterwards, he finds Whitney at E20, she is shocked to see his face.

He then tells her he can't marry her. She thinks he is joking at first, but sees the way he is looking at her.

They go home and Callum explains everything.

Starting with Chris.

#

He ends up infront of the Beale's house.

Drunk, bruised and scared.

All he wants is to knock on that door and for Ben to open it.

That's all. He tells himself.

But, it's late and he is sure everyone at the Beale's house is already asleep. So, he just stands there, wobbling left and right a little as he stares at the door.

"Callum?"

Callum jumped a little, scared of whoever just spotted him. He had an excuse ready though, he was drunk after all.

He turned around to see Ben's face, staring at him confused. For a few seconds Callum thought the alcohol was making him see things. But then Ben walked up to him and touched his face gently, looking at the bruises and cut lip. "Are you okay?"

Sobbing suddenly, Callum let Ben pull him in for a hug.

#

Ben invites him into the house.  
He gets Callum a glass of water and an icepack, before cleaning the cut on Callum's lip.

Callum watches as Ben shuffles through the kitchen. He hadn't asked him what had happened, yet. Maybe he didn't care, maybe he didn't want to know.

Standing infront of Callum again, Ben checks the swelling on Callum's face, before making a tutting sound.

"I don't think the missus is going to be happy when you show up like this on your wedding. "

Callum groaned, remembering how Whitney had cried when he told her.

"Don't worry, nothing a little make-up can't cover. Unless that is too gay for you ofcourse."

"I'm not getting married." Callum said on the brink of sobbing, feeling small for the first time in a while.

Ben quirked up an eyebrow up, looking like he was trying to read Callum.

"I told her." Callum said, biting his lower lip so he wouldn't cry. "about everything."

"Oh." Ben said softly yet surprised. He scratched at his beard, suddenly looking a bit more nervous. "And with everything you mean..?"

"Everything."

**Author's Note:**

> Tell me what you think! I am leaving the ending a bit open in case I am thinking about writing a second part.


End file.
